What a difference three months of prayer makes.
I've been doing this thing called Atomic Habits, where I've started to do certain activities every single day in hopes of achieving something important in the long run.
One of those habits is praying for my husband. I started this out of desperation. We were butting heads, due to the dynamics I've enabled and tolerated over the years. Being cooped up at home because of the pandemic also contributed to the tension. So, I decided to do what I always do when I'm desperate: I prayed.
And three months later, we are in a better place, emotionally and mentally. Even our disagreements are not as explosive as the past.
Maybe I should pray my depression away as well. Something has got to give. This building-a-brand business is tough stuff. It is not for the faint hearted. I've wasted my prime years trying to create. Or maybe they were not a waste. I don't know I cannot keep going back to this black hole of self-deprecating and regretful thoughts. I may never succeed. I may already be succeeding. I may be deluding myself. I may already have it all. And it doesn't hurt to remind myself once again that I don't need to live for them - those who don't get me.
Deep breath.
Reminder to my self: I will hold your hand in the darkness and sit with you through the pain.