“By default, we are in darkness.
He is the light.”

Anyone who is among the living has hope—even a live dog is better off than a dead lion!
- Ecclesiastes 9:4

Dear God,

I see you. I see you trying to free me from a lot of things:

my demons (the voices in my head that tell me I'm not good enough, or that my life has no value)
my past humiliations (deeply rooted shame from sexual violation, my wedding, my failures)
my dysfunctional ways of thinking (judgmental attitides, subconscious thoughts that certain people are a waste of space unless they make their own money and inspire others - I thought Rose was a waste of space and I judged her, I also measured myself against this standard)
my obsessive need to prove myself and my worth and the value of my existence
my tendency to bounce from one extreme to the other (self-deprecating and self-flattery... Gratitude and despair)
my fears (fears of failure and humiliation)
my pride
my lack of forgiveness (for the people who've hurt me, rejected me, excluded me and underestimated me)
my need for retaliation against those people, my concerns about the future
my self reliance and need to build my dream on my own.

By default we are in darkness. You are the light. You are the way, the truth and the Life.

You are the one who holds things together.

Anyone who is among the living has hope[a]—even a live dog is better off than a dead lion!

- Ecclesiastes 9:4

You are the life, Lord. Help me to live in You and You alone.

What a difference three months of prayer makes.

I've been doing this thing called Atomic Habits, where I've started to do certain activities every single day in hopes of achieving something important in the long run.

One of those habits is praying for my husband. I started this out of desperation. We were butting heads, due to the dynamics I've enabled and tolerated over the years. Being cooped up at home because of the pandemic also contributed to the tension. So, I decided to do what I always do when I'm desperate: I prayed.

And three months later, we are in a better place, emotionally and mentally. Even our disagreements are not as explosive as the past.

Maybe I should pray my depression away as well. Something has got to give. This building-a-brand business is tough stuff. It is not for the faint hearted. I've wasted my prime years trying to create. Or maybe they were not a waste. I don't know I cannot keep going back to this black hole of self-deprecating and regretful thoughts. I may never succeed. I may already be succeeding. I may be deluding myself. I may already have it all. And it doesn't hurt to remind myself once again that I don't need to live for them - those who don't get me.

Deep breath.

Reminder to my self: I will hold your hand in the darkness and sit with you through the pain.

Freedom for the Captives

Prayer